He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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