I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Randomize
