we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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