Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
meet me or not, i'm out of control
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
