Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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