take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize