I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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