I think I won the penis lottery.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
