New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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