if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize