Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
