my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I need moral support for this bender
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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