The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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