I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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