the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
