Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
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