This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize