You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just forgot I was standing up.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
