Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
