Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
