i wish my penis had a tongue
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
