One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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