Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
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