your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize
