My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
