got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
