My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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