Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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