I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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