She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i've created a new STD.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
