if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
