Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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