I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
