dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
