she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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