She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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