Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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