How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
