rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
