Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
