We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
