Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
