u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
