I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it's great music for shaving your balls
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
