WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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