I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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