Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
