I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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