i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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