and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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