You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
