God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
