fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize