Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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