I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
