i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
