I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
